The Devil's Playground
The Devil’s Playground
By Neil A. Edwards
The artist’s brush glissaded around the palette – smaller than a fingerprint, finer than a rat’s tail – meekly seeking the desired hue. Perhaps another artist might have settled for the carnelian blush that stained the model’s twisted cheek, but for this portrait, it was an offence to the rendering of truth he was trying to convey and didn’t sit well on the canvas. Nor did the model sit well upon the lumpen bed, for she fidgeted incessantly, an impatient child, biting fingernails, cracking toes, and voicing her discomfort with military regularity.
“It’s not the nicest of rooms, is it?” she squawked, with the same squalid indelicacy of a magpie stealing a nest. It was for such base observations that a preference for painting from still photographs courted increasing favour with artists. Though the argument against their use was mounting daily, the models in them did not poison the air with their toxic boredom.
“Your leg,” he said , “you’ve moved it again.”
“It’s getting stiff.”
“Please refrain from moving it. You shall upend the effect I’m after.”
“It’s not the most flattering of poses you’ve got me in,” she moaned, flexing her chalk-white leg before returning it to its position on the bed. “I don’t know what you want people to think. It’s positively indecent.”
Upon her shoulder the artist saw a mark. In the dim light he couldn’t tell whether it was a birthmark, a tattoo - given as a promise
Neil, I liked the build up in this story, the way you revealed the character slowly, building on the slow methodical way that Jack the Ripper must have displayed, especially in his last murder that was executed behind closed doors. I also enjoyed your use of the language. The formality fit the period without being overly stuffy. I did note one error, you mention his 'Germany' heritage. I don't think you need the "y" at the end of German. Aside from that, a wonderful story, with strong characters and plot.
I am very interested in "Jack". Many of my stories are written with that elusive character in mind. I would like to recommend a story of mind entitled, The Crimson River. I think you may enjoy that piece. I will enjoy reading more of your work.
Paige Taylor Proper Thanks, Paige. I really appreciate your comments.
Hey Neil,
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of work. The character depictions were right on the mark, and I found myself wanting to know more about the artist. very good job. I hope to read more of your work.
Hi Neil,
And wow! I was just wandering around the grounds of ReadWave when I was lucky enough to come across your story.
You are a very talented writer and I have a feeling we’ll be paying to read you some day soon!
Your character depictions were spot on – very believable and you have an amazing turn of phrase.
‘he saw in her frozen form a loveliness her slovenly demeanour denied her in life’
And so many more.
Excellent. Well done.
Shirley
Sam Woolfe Golly! Thanks, Sam. If you're not taking the p**s, that just might be the best compliment I've ever had. If I could ever write anything even a fraction as good as Poe's "Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym" (in my opinion, the best thing he ever penned) I'd consider my life well-spent indeed! With comments like yours, I might just try! ... Best wishes to you. N
Alexandra Neon Thanks, Alexandra - your comments made me read over certain sections with fresh eyes. I certainly don't think it's creepy at all, by the way. That's how I feel about a lot of other stuff I read myself, when what should be shocking and terrible just sort of seeps out of the narrative. I love it when writers do that and don't go explicitly for the shock factor - (nothing actually shocks me less in fact). I really do appreciate the comments, and look forward to reading more of your own work. I enjoyed your first piece very much.
Your writing style is so eloquent and beautiful that it shrouds his act of violence with a ghostly calm. Instead of begin shocked I was in awe, that's not creepy is it? I especially loved the line's 'as a plush carpet of vermilion rolled down the collapsing staircase of her body. Her fingers stretched wide and clawed at air, carving modernist patterns on the walls, at first in an orchestral frenzy, then with lilting grace.' You really see the beauty of death from his perspective.
Highly impressed with how you pulled off this style of writing. Very Edgar Allan Poe in some places...you could be a new master of the horror genre :) Keep up the good work.
Switchblade Thanks for the wonderful comments, Switchblade (now there's a name it feels a little odd to write!). Yes, I know the Wilde story, and possibly it left a taste in my mind from years ago when I devoured it . . . When I wrote this though I was pouring through the Penguin Gothic Horror collection - those ten gorgeous yellow and black covers designed by Coralie Bickford-Smith - and falling very much in love with the style of writing that lay puddled darkly between them . . . Good luck with your play - I'll enjoy reading some of your own writing when I get a moment. NAE.
Tom Benson Thanks Tom, and I agree with the "flowery" observation. There's a definite shift between the opening paragraphs and what comes later - I think I was struggling to establish the tone initially (never really attempted anything like this before, but was reading a lot of M. R James / Ambrose Bierce at the time); it came much easier once I'd got into it a bit. I plan to re-write in the summer, once my MA is under my belt, and will take your observations on board. Thanks for the comments though. Best. NAE
I love the dialogue in the beginning, the artist's insight in radical opposition to the naive truthfulness of the model. Reminds me a bit...no, a lot, of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which I'm sure you've read). In fact, the model's comment on being talked about seems like a twisted interpretation of Wilde's popular quote, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." I find it interesting how you draw the sexual aspect into the story without oversexualizing it. Your language is gorgeous. The one thing that I felt was unnecessary was the piece about the girl's father, which characterized the model in a way that, from my perspective, undid the horror of her victimization. I really love this story, though. Amazing.
You've really done an amazing job of capturing his arrogance and clinical haughty nature. The descriptions are striking and crystalline. I love this line - "...as a plush carpet of vermilion rolled down the collapsing staircase of her body."
Enjoyed this Neil Edwards and I have to admit that at first I thought the language was too 'flowery', but as I got into the story and remembered about the time period, it suited it well. The imagery was exceptional and I liked the way you moved from the drama and pace toward the end to a rapid and more gently conclusion.
Dark stuff here! I love how you made "The Devil's Playground" the title and also not the title at the same time.
--Chase
Thanks for the comments, Matthew (and for the recommendation, Paramitha). I wondered if anyone would ever read this story - a little experiment, I was conducting, with a 'Gothic horror' voice. To be honest, I think I could bring it even closer to reality, but, due to the time constraints I had when writing it, I could only really flirt with the research, rather than immerse myself fully in it. I always promised myself that if someone thought there was any value in it whatsoever, I'd re-engage with it at a deeper level. Now that you've brought me back to it, I think I will... But it's going to have to wait until I polish off my MA!...Thanks again and best wishes to you both.
I recommend this to the Staff Picks section
The more I read about your protagonist's 'real life', the more I am impressed by your piece!
This piece is extremely well written and diligently researched. I assume the accompanying photo won't, for the vast majority of readers, act as a spoiler (I only understood/saw who it was after typing "Jack the Ripper suspects" into wikipedia); indeed it was gratifying to have it confirmed which of the Ripper suspects was your protagonist! The only thing that needs changing is the phrase "squalid indelicacy", as the two words are not compatible. Otherwise this is excellent.