DAMAGED
There is always a line of people here who desperately need our help, and we get to them as quickly as we can - never fast enough. We have found that it is useful to have each person write down for us what is happening in their lives, what got them to a point of crisis. This keeps them busy writing while they are waiting, and gives us critical information. This is what Thornton wrote while he was waiting:
"How young does a new life need to be for abuse to lead to a damaged soul? I really need to know, if anyone here knows for sure. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have married Teresa. I was thinking with my dick, not my head. I suppose we are very typical. We had a good start, then she got pregnant, then we lost interest, then frustration set in, and in our case, frustration led to violence. She would get angry with me over the least little things, and would hit and punch me. She hurt me several times pretty bad. One time I had to go to work with a black eye and try to explain it. I'm a bad liar. Neither of us was having a good time. The world seriously changed one time when she swung a broom at me. My baby daughter was on some pillows on the sofa behind me, and when Teresa swung I naturally moved to cover my daughter, to protect her so she wouldn't get hit.
Teresa watched me do that and seriously smiled. It was an angry, evil, smile. She pushed me away, pushed me to the floor and grabbed our baby. She understood that this was one way to get to me, because
I really like how the ending creates a sense of unreliability in what Thornton had written. You go through a journey of emotions and how you layered these two tough topics together (abuse and mental health) was brilliantly done.
Really wasn't expecting that ending. Amazing story John!
It's a very good story. Exactly the length it should be, nicely written. I couldn't believe the guy cannot stand up, if not for himself, then for the baby, but the ending ties up all the loose ends and makes all the strange behaviours clear. Very well done!
I enjoyed this story from beginning to end and have to agree with Rachel Wright , Matthew Lunn and Robert Tucker both in the well-deserved praise and some of the constructive criticism. It's only a personal opinion but I believe the best way to rework this very good piece would be to alter the point of view (POV). First person POV is a great device for bringing immediacy and adding pace, but depending on the story it doesn't work unless it's the right character viewpoint that we're seeing the story through. If you use 'first person' POV it should remain with one character - the downfall of which is - we only see what they see. As I said at the start the praise is well-deserved. Enjoyed.
Wow, wonderful ending! I absolutely loved this piece! Every word and the suspense! Staff Picks
Great ending!!
I really like this story. Easy to read. Good ending. Staff Picks!
I'm new to readwave, so if "responding" to a comment is inappropriate, my apologies. I admit that I turn to "framing devices" too often when storytelling. If Matthew or a new reader sees this, here's an idea. What if I get rid of the framing device, have Thornton tell the story in the first person, and at the end he's sitting on a park bench peeking in through the blanket at his child. A person walks by and notices the dirty, damaged head of an old baby doll sticking out of the blanket. They hear Thornton talking to it like it is a real child, and then, since they feel so sad, they . . . (to be continued, one last line).
Let me say I love Readwave! Everyone has been so supportive, and I've learned a lot from the constructive comments. Thank you all.
I agree with Rachel and Dylan: this is a well written and engaging story, but the framing device is imperfect. The idea is excellent, but it might be useful to expand on what the narrator and his colleagues' function is in the place that tries to help people at a point of crisis. Also whilst I like the twist a lot it might be worth hinting at it during Thornton's narration, in order to make the revelation on page 4 more dramatic. Nevertheless, I won't forget this piece in a hurry.
This is an interesting story. It's written well and it's interesting how it is the man being abused rather than the woman. I didn't like the opening paragraph because I felt it was unnecessary as the rest of the story is told by Thornton. I also thought that it was lacking feelings, as in we don't know much about how Thornton is feeling about all this. But otherwise I like the idea of this and it's a good story. Well done!
Wow!!!!
One of your best!
P-Girl
This is a good story. I like the distinct, sparse storytelling style that you use for Thornton: it's very visual, very emotional, and an unusual twist for the man to be abused in a relationship. Perhaps the wife's fate is a little unbelievable, but it does lead nicely into the circumstances that bookend Thornton's story. The only other query I have is: would it be better to have some context for the framing: e.g. Who is the narrator? Where exactly is he working? But, overall, this is a really nice tale.