Akihabara Alone
The bedroom is syruped by the sunrise, dust motes floating in the golden screen of light that hangs from the narrow gap of the curtains.
Kenichi watches her as the dust motes waltz dreamily in the hot slant of the rising sun. In the half-light of the dawn he almost thinks he can see a faint cherry blush in the caramel of her cheeks.
Mariko is silent, immaculate, the rise and fall of her chest almost imperceptible in the dim violet and purple shadows over the cushioned headboard. Very tenderly - his tobacco stained finger tips shaking for the first time in too long - he places his hand on the hot skin of her shoulder.
Kenichi can remember when Soineya was just a small block of office space, but now it was somebody's approximation of a school girl's bedroom - pastel-pink curtains hanging to make walls around a soft sprung mattress and love-heart pillows where office desks and computers used to be, an oversized teddy-bear with a black ribbon at a jaunty angle fills up the corner of the bed. The décor is not platinum standard.
But it was the girls that people came to see.
They were dressed cutely in teeny pink pyjama tops with puffed and crimped shoulders and suggestively dipping necklines. Nothing below the waist but a tiny pair of panty-shorts and starched black stockings that stretched all the way up past the knees, leaving a hand-span of warm skin on display. There were only three of them working there that day; a beaming blonde ganguro girl, a blood-hot girl with adult curves and a full-moon face, and Mariko - a doe-eyed girl
Wonderful imagery, Hisashikarazu. I particularly love the line "a smile that was happy in another life." The quiet, personal connection made in the story was well-told. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
Beautifully written with tight and convincing prose. You have reached that elusive balance between revealing character through action and dialogue and allowing the reader to make his or her own assumptions, for example: "...he bows nervously when he greets her each time, and then quickly falls asleep".
Alexandra Neon thank you so much for your kind words.
Your imagery is so sensual and vibrant, your opening line had me hooked instantly, beautifully written and the subject matter intriguing! Like, like, like!
Sam Woolfe Thanks, Sam :-)
Brilliant story. I liked how intricate and colourful the descriptions were. They painted a really vivid setting and made the story that much more engrossing.
Hello Hisashikarazu and a big well done from me on this tale. Good imagery and characterisation with just enough dialogue to keep it flowing. It's a soft and sensuous piece that transcends the topic you've used as your 'canvas'. Having written a novel (Ten Days), which appears on here, I am in total agreement with our good friend Sally-Anne Wilkinson ... get the story written and then go back and improve it. I would also suggest it's better to get the whole job done, rather than spending a lot of time on individual chapters. Once again, well done on this piece.
I liked it a lot. Very good job. I think it's the best out of the two of your stories.
Greg Webster Typo! Noooooo! - Thanks for pointing that one out. Kenichi smiles with his lips (of course).
Frangipani Sophie Grayling - Thanks for your kind appraisals. There are a lot of very talented writers on the site so it's an honour to manage something that stands out.
Karazu-san, this story reminded me of an aspect, no, quite a few aspects of my three years in Japan, it was a delight to be taken back there in this way. Excellent job.. I didn't get the 'Kenichi smiles with his slips' line though.
This story has a softness and a depth that is seldom seen on sites like this, or for that matter, in most short stories. The atmosphere is intriguing. You have done an excellent job of showing the complexity of the exploitation of women in a place like Japan. I would definitely read more stories written by you.
This is hands down the best short story I've read on here!
I recommend this to the Staff Picks section.
Really well-written piece! I wish there was a part 2 to it. You're really good!
This is fantastic! I love the characterizations and the descriptions. The setting is a bit novel, and it's interesting to see the prices working to protect the girls as well as exploit them. That's something I've never thought of. If your novel is composed of such tightly written episodes as this, then you should have nothing to fear! Great work, keep it up!
Keep at it - I'm sure you're onto a winner. It's impossible to appreciate what you've written yourself, especially when you're in it for the long haul. The first thing is to just finish the story - then you can always go back and improve it (says me... who knows nothing!)
Sally-Anne Wilkinson Why hello again. Thanks for your kind words. I only wish the novel was going as well. I'm at the long dark 30k where the momentum fades and you realise the opening chapters are not as great as you recall. Cheers me up no end to get such encouragement. Thanks.
Hisashikarazu, if you knocked this out quickly, in between bursts of novel-writing, I am extremely envious. As with the last story I critiqued of yours, this is beautiful. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to write anything of this calibre, but I'll keep trying. An absolutely astounding story about a moment of connection. Thanks again for cheering me up :)
@moonvibe Thanks for the encouraging comment. I was taking time out of my novel to do a couple of shorts - I see from your profile that you're also working on a novel, so I'm sure you know how it is when you spend a day away from the main work. I'll be sure to look at White Raven (?) this week.
Wow, this is an incredibly well written piece! Such delicate subject material handled so masterfully. Fantastic work!